Writing is painful – Day four

The one thing I want to do more than anything this year (aside from counting out my million pounds) is write a novel. I have resolved to write for 15 minutes every day. It is now 4.20pm on day four and I haven’t written so much as a creative full stop. I keep putting it off. It’s too painful. I hate what I write. My idea is rubbish. The muse is not speaking to me. Cow.

This is a familiar pattern and I realise I must push through this or else I will do what I have always done – give in to writer’s block. Something that appears to have plagued me for 52 years now.

I saw a really great piece on Facebook of all places, which suggested that putting things off means you are afraid of them.

That is certainly the case here. I am afraid that if I do write that book, I will have to come to terms with the fact that I a terrible writer. Worse than EL James. Or the scribes who work for MailOnline.

At least all the while I haven’t written said novel, I can say to myself ‘Oh well, I know I could’ve penned a great novel had I had the time.’

At my breakfast networking meeting this morning, somebody said that January 4th is the day when most people give up on their New Year Resolutions. I can see why. It’s easy enough to pump yourself up for three days, but by day four, the familiar doubts start to creep in. That devil on your shoulder gets louder and louder until he is all you can hear.

I cannot listen. I have to push forward. Jen said at the end of her three-minute video, that I am a badass. It’s true. I am!

Today’s video focused on swapping your bad habits for a good one. I have vowed to stop watching hours of rubbish TV on my iPad in bed and read books or write instead.

I LOVE TV. I love it so much, it is a wonder that none of my TV scripts were any good. I doubt if many people have watched as much TV as I have.

Over Christmas, I watched season 1 of Outlander in two days. That is 14 hours of television. I spent so long prone, my back went and I had to go to the chiropractor to have it sorted.

Binging on TV box sets is not good for me. It is up there with eating boxes of Dunkin’ donuts or having vodka for breakfast. Reading books about the craft of writing or self-improvement will be better for me. Not so much fun, but better.

I am not sure I have the willpower to resist Celebrity Big Brother, but I certainly won’t start season 2 of Outlander until my novel is finished. Oh, but the sight of Jamie in the Fraser kilt!

The trouble is, I am not writing even though it is the thing I have promised myself I will do.

I need to force myself into it and what better way than having to hand work in. I need a class that requires homework. A friend recommends one in the next town, but I decide that is too far to travel – it’s all of five miles. I am going try and find an alternative instead.

On the plus side, I got a new PR client today and have just invoiced for £500 up front. Money is coming my way. That’s because I am a money magnet. Not quite a million, but at least cash is flowing in the right direction.

My mantra today:

I am a born author. I have bestselling novels bursting to get out. I am destined to make money. It will give me freedom and choices.

 

It is starting to sound hollow. I wonder if I am not a badass after all. There is only one thing for it. I must write that next chapter right now, doesn’t matter that I don’t know what to write. I’ll write something. Anything.

Later that day…

It’s 7.16pm. I’ve resisted the urge to watch Emmerdale and jotted down some ‘novel’ notes. Not as in funny, but as in, for THE book. It was quite an experience as the ideas were coming fast and furious. I read a blog on the Curtis Brown site about how to start your novel in January and the tips were great.

I did a list of what ifs, which ranged from, what if my ‘heroine’ has only six months to live and what if Jesus is gay, through to what if the heroines best friend fancies the devil, or in fact, the devil is gay and has an affair with her neighbour? Where did the devil come from you ask? He jumped off my shoulder and popped into my head.

I also concluded that these two characters don’t actually have to be Jesus and the devil. They can be two ordinary blokes, but the lessons could be exactly the same.

Anyway, I am pretty sure I was spurred on by the fact that I spent £480 on writing courses today. I earned £500 and spent £480 of it. But I don’t fear poverty any more, so I won’t get het up about it.

One course is every Tuesday evening at a nearby university and the other, is an online ‘Write Your Novel’ course with literary agents Curtis Brown. The full on, big guns six-month course they run costs £3K. If I finish the first draft of Jesus For Dinner, I might treat myself to it. It is by appointment only though, however, being an official badass, I am bound to be chosen!

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