Freaking out in the face of uncertainty – Day 169

We had a plan. It was a great looking plan too that had been beautifully tabulated by my younger sister. There were time slots for tablet taking, enema giving and radiotherapy blasting. Doggy day care people had been booked, even my holiday was planned around Dad’s cancer treatment schedule. The army was in place, we were ready for the war.

And then there was a hiccup, no actually, a balls-up and the plan was off. Radiotherapy did not begin today as it should have done, according to the plan.

My sister broke the news over the phone. She is usually Olympian in her dealings with the NHS as she has a daughter with Cystic Fibrosis, but she was stumped. ‘I don’t know anything about cancer. I don’t know what to do,’ she said.

That made six of us (my dad and all his helpers). SHIT. What now? There is nothing I hate more than uncertainty and without a plan to cling on to, I feel all at sea. There may well be a new plan formulated this week, but for now, there is no plan. Just a churning sense of dread.

Sometimes I wake up and feel invincible, other times, I feel like an eight-year-old who wants to hide under the bed with her favourite teddy bear. Today I am the latter. Even a ballet class failed to shake off my sadness. I haven’t spoken to Dad yet (he’s out with the younger sis) but I’m guessing he’s not feeling so great either. He was raring to go, now he’s waiting for the next plan.

The only way through this is to get a lid on my rampant control freakery and assume that everything will work out for the best – even when the ‘best’ might not be how I’d like things to pan out.

I’ve joined this new forum for Jen Sincero fans like me and somebody had posted up a quote about surrender that I rather liked, so I am going to share it with you. It was written by a woman who works in recovery. She wrote:

“In the recovery world, surrender means stop trying to run your own program and surrender to the guidance of trusted people and ultimately God.”

I don’t feel like doing that today, but tomorrow, I might.

Personal manifesto

Uncertainty holds no fear for I focus only on what I can control.




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