Stillness – Day 234

Guilt was the overriding emotion when I set off at 9am for a meditation group. It was with a bunch of women I had never met before and the facilitator was my Journey practitioner who is hopefully going to help with my money and other blocks.

I was struck by the tranquility of the space when I stepped in. It smelt lovely and everybody was speaking in a whisper – a big challenge for me as my voice has been likened to a foghorn on numerous occasions.

The room was calm, but my mind was not. A never ending to-do list ran through it in on a loop. Call this person, write up that synopsis, post on so and so’s Facebook, send off that pitch, get dog flea stuff, pick up daughter’s ballet shoes…you get my drift.

And the guilt. I should be working. I have clients to service. Why aren’t I at the coalface?

I’m never happy unless life is hard work. If there isn’t some element of suffering, then I feel I am doing something wrong. It’s crazy. And pointless. To hell with the guilt. I have two ill parents, two kids with Asperger’s and I am trying to get a business up and running – I MUST take time out to sit in stillness or else I will follow in my mother’s footsteps and have a nervous breakdown.

She is coming up to 80 and has dementia, but still says ‘I’m busy. I have to work..’ She flies between England and New Zealand and lets her properties on both sides of the world. She is always busy/stressed/extending a house/putting in a new bathroom etc, which is sad because she should be putting her feet up at a time in her life when she no longer remembers the word for ‘shoes’. I share the same drive, which verges on overdrive and don’t want to be ruled by it any more.

The meditation was blissful. I was the first to cry. I felt overwhelmingly sad, as if all I am is sadness. I couldn’t hold my tears back even though I wanted to – these women hadn’t met me before, what must they think of me? Nothing bad I am guessing.

Two and a half hours later when the session was over, I felt lighter. I told myself not to take life so seriously. I am at my best when I am playful. It will be good for my work and everyone around me if I remember that.

Personal manifesto

I live a life of calm.

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