Flat – 244

I’m getting bored of feeling flat now. Since my Journey session last week, aside from the time when I was high on Gin Rickys and doing the Charleston, I haven’t experienced an iota of joy. I feel bad even saying this, because what have I got to be glum about? I have a nice home, a loving husband, great kids, a healthy body and work I enjoy.

I am truly, truly grateful for all that I have, but it isn’t making me feel any better. I fear I may have opened Pandora’s Box and am now consigned to a life of dull, flat emotions.

Company is hard. I put on a smile and say all the right things, but it is a mask. Underneath it, I am like a tiny, trembling kitten who wants to crawl back into the womb.

Today, I wondered if ‘anger’ is behind all this flatness and was almost excited when I lost my rag with the dog, who when in possession of a ball, wants to be chased. Yes, I know it sounds like great fun, but not when you are trying to put him back on the lead. He’ll come within and inch of me, grab the ball and then run off again, wagging his tail like a loon. I tried my usual trick of pretending to leave the park without him, but he is wise to my ways and I could almost hear him laughing at me.

Anyway, I did what I had been taught in the Journey session and let my anger consume me (no animals were hurt during this experiment). It bubbled in my guts and then I had a flashback – of me, aged about nine, pulling my mother’s hair, while she did the same to mine.

Punishment was physical in our house and I can’t remember my crime, but on this occasion, I decided to fight back. Rather than slink off in tears, I reacted like a wild cat and grabbed my mother’s hair. I still remember the rage in her face. If I didn’t let go, I was for the high jump. I didn’t let go.

I cannot tell you what happened, all I know is, in that moment, I wanted to kill her. I’ve buried that anger deep inside me and anyone who knows me, will tell you that it seeps out. Swearing at other drivers. Shouting at the dog. Being deliberately cruel to my husband. I have even lashed out and had physical fights, although I haven’t done that, thank God, for a few decades or so. But there you have it, I am a violent person and exposed was the seed that helped make me this way.

I told the Journey practitioner that I was afraid of my anger. It feels limitless and deep down, I fear I might actually be a murderer. At times, I experience such rage, I could pull a trigger and shoot someone in the head – more often than not, it is my poor long suffering husband.

Anyway, I threw myself into the anger and what did I find underneath? I was expecting fear, but instead, I unearthed sorrow. A lake of it. I dived to the bottom of the lake, pushing further and further down until I came across…flatness. Yep, there I was, back where I had started. Flat.

I have another Journey session tomorrow and hope to God it shifts things. Flat is no fun. I want the old me back. Or do I?

Personal manifesto

I have faith and believe that joy lurks beneath.

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