Snappy – Day 249

Honestly, I was not in the mood when The Journey practitioner called me at 10am to talk through what had happened since our last session. I wanted to say ‘Look, it’s all load of bullshit and I can’t be arsed’ but being polite, I explained that I wasn’t exactly feeling the love.

After a grumpy old woman rant (mine not hers!), she asked me to close my eyes and relax. ‘Not this again…’ I thought to myself.

I’d had a row with the husband and was still simmering with resentment, I was annoyed by the mess I’d had to clear up that morning and looking at my bank statements was giving me palpitations.

Soon, I was being asked to fall into my anger and let it consume me. It was like molten lava spewing from every pore. And then it was gone.

‘What do you feel now?’

‘Sad. Again. I’m getting sick of feeling sad.’

Then I had to fall into the sad. Then the flatness. More anger. Anxiety. Roll up, roll up for the merry go round of misery.

‘I’m getting bored of this cycle. There is nothing but sadness and anger.’

‘Welcome to the human condition.’

Just as I was feeling like giving up, the grey clouds lifted and I felt lighter. I had been determined to hang on to my grouchiness, but it had vanished. Now there was only calm. It was wonderful.

Never before has a one hour phone call had such a profound effect on me. It was quite extraordinary. I also worked out that I was learning to feel ‘equilibrium’. It’s a new experience for me. I am a drama queen who relishes the highs and lows. Somewhere in the middle feels flat. I guess it takes some getting used to.

My husband has noticed that I am not as ‘incendiary’ (he likes to use long words) as usual. He likes this new me. I do too. I’m told I should be falling hopelessly in love with myself, but I am not quite there yet. Still, anything is possible.

Personal manifesto

I am calm.

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