I felt as if I had come full circle when I wrote Jack a letter today. Our friendship started and ended with a letter – that’s what happens when two people who protect themselves with a suit of armour come together. I told him what I would have said to his face had I the courage and afterwards, I set fire to my missive in the wood burner – this time I am taking no chances.
It didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, the misery feels 10 times worse now and I confess, I have tried to stuff it down with a family sized bag of crisps and a Kit Kat. That didn’t make me feel any better either.
I realised though, that I have him to thank for everything. My crush on Jack led me to a shrink’s couch, which in turn, led me into the arms of my husband. We’ve been together for 20 years, have three amazing kids and I love him. Had I not met Jack back in the late 1990s, my life might have turned out differently.
I’m longing for a sign. Some kind of reassurance that he’s okay and forgives me, but of course, I am not going to get that. I just have to trust that all is well. My mind is racing and my emotions are churning and try as I might, I’ve been unable to connect to my higher self/inner wisdom/source etc. For the first time ever, I actually fell asleep during my 20 minute conscious resting session and didn’t wake up with any guidance. I am adrift.
Thankfully, my Journey practitioner is calling tomorrow to talk through what’s happened since our last session. My time with her is almost over and I’m wondering how the hell I’ll cope without her guiding hand. All these answers are supposed to be inside me, but sometimes it feels as if I am looking with the wrong spectacles on.
On the plus side, money’s coming slowly, but surely and work is going well. It looks as if I am getting a handle on abundance. I guess it’s better to be a sad rich person than a sad poor one.
My higher self knows what to do.