I went to bed tingling with gratitude over all the loveliness in my life last night, so I was a little taken aback when I awoke feeling mentally horrid. It was a familiar sensation and I think it has come to the fore because I am not chasing my tail any more. The only way I can describe it is as a void.
It’s like a longing, or hunger, but not in a good way. I’ve carried this emptiness for as long as I can remember. In my youth, I filled it with sex and marijuana, now I’m older, I can’t tolerate the latter. Instead, I use sugar, carbs, TV and high drama to stuff the emptiness inside.
Since doing the Journey process last month, I’m not using those props so much. I’ve gone right off reality TV, don’t have the taste for drama and I’ve even found myself eating less crap. The question is, how the hell do I fill this gaping void now?
My first instinct was to call up the Journey practitioner and say ‘help’ but she can’t give me the answers. Nobody can. I have to do it myself. When I realised this, I suddenly felt so alone in my own head. How mad is that?
I looked back at all that I have been through and learned on the Journey process and the best piece of advice I took, was to accept my emotions, let them come and then they will pass. The void never goes away, it is always lurking in the background, but some days I feel it more keenly than others. I guess I just have to wait for it to loosen its jaws and fade off.
In other, cheerier news, I am off to a Kundalini yoga class tonight and there is a weekend of fun stuff ahead. We’re lunching with my little sis for her birthday and on Sunday, there is a memorial show for my friend Jack. I am looking forward to celebrating his life and laughing along at his jokes as they’re showing footage of one of his comedy shows. It will be good to be around people who love him like I do.
I am powerful.