Full circle – Day 284

There’s nothing like freezing cold to clear the fog in your mind. While my boiler sat silently in the cupboard with a ‘Dangerous to use’ sticker slapped on the front, I tidied my desk and looked at my finances. It was not a pretty sight.

It costs me £2,000 per month to run my PR business – that includes cost of staff and various subscriptions ranging from a PR database through to social media scheduling tools and a loan I took out to buy a new computer.

The monthly turnover right now is £600 a month. I may have failed my maths GCSE five times in quick succession, but even an innumerate numbskull like me can see that the figures are somewhat horrendous.

Money is flying out of my account, so it’s time to batten down the hatches, lay off my assistant and PA, cancel my prescriptions, stop paying into my pension and ISA and as for the private health insurance, I just noticed that they doubled the premium in August without telling me. Well, actually they did tell me, via an e-mail that I’ve only just found  in the murky depths of my inbox. I look forward to shouting at someone in their call centre on Monday.

This time two years ago, while out on a walk with my sister, I announced that I was thinking of taking a job as a cleaner. She gasped in horror and told me to read a book called  You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero. I did and that’s what prompted me to start the PR agency, flog pop-up cards, devise an online social media course for mid-lifers and various other schemes that have ALL made a loss.

So here I am, once again, contemplating taking a job as a cleaner. I have come full circle. It makes me wonder if it is at all possible to overcome your true nature. My friend Jack couldn’t stop drinking, he knew it would kill him, but he didn’t have the strength to quit. I have friends who are always in debt and others who have the Midas touch. They always get the same results, year in, year out.  If you are one or the other, can you really fundamentally change your prospects?

I really believed that you could. I was full of va-va-I’m-gonna-make-a-million-voom at the start of this year. Now, for the first time in my life, I am officially unemployed, although my husband rather annoyingly, keeps pointing out that ‘You can’t be unemployed if you are freelance.’ He wasn’t the slightest bit worried about my predicament until I reminded him that from now on, he’ll be paying all my bills.

I need to get a job, but then I wonder how I am going to take my dad to his chemo appointments if I am in regular employment. From what I remember from the last time I had a proper job, which was 26-years-ago, employers don’t take too kindly to regular days off. Plus, I won’t be able to do the year of spiritual mentoring, which I REALLY need right now. And let’s be honest, who in this day and age, is going to employ a 53-year-old woman who can’t add up? I am very handy with a mop though…

I know that if I asked the spiritual mentor what I should do next, she’d tell me to lie on the bed for a few hours, close my eyes and ask my soul for guidance. That’s all well and good, but I am not sure my ‘soul’ is residing in a world where utility bills, pet insurance and other earthly things need paying. Wishing on a unicorn isn’t going to fund a new boiler.

The husband has told me not to do anything rash. He’s an eternal optimist who feels sure that something will turn up – let’s just hope it’s not a bailiff.

Personal manifesto

My middle name is prosperous.




  1. I’m reading backward to get caught up with you … I really must get in the habit of daily check-ins, as there is always something interesting going on either in your mind or in your life, or both! And although our lives seem very different on the surface, the inner workings and outer frustration-causing circumstances are so familiar to me. Even though I’m about five years older than you, I haven’t found all the answers or solutions either and can get pretty discouraged sometimes. It’s all normal, and anyone who never lets it show is doing a good job of hiding it.


    • I get a feeling I am NEVER going to know all the answers and I’m glad to hear I am not the only one who gets discouraged. Thanks for stopping by again. X


      • Absolutely you are NEVER going to feel like you have ARRIVED … at least, that’s MY reality! Inside, we will be 21 forever … and it’s the habit of looking toward some different future instead of rooting ourselves firmly in the RIGHT NOW that causes a lot of our angst. That’s how I see it, anyway.


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