I had a slight run-in with someone today. It was a trivial matter, but I could feel myself overreacting. My normal modus operandi in such situations is to lose my rag, fire off an angry e-mail and generally stir up a bit of drama. This time, I decided to do things differently because as that saying goes, ‘If you do what you always do, you get what you always got.’ It’s probably more eloquent than that, but as I am about to dash off to see my dad, that’s all you’re getting.
I’m sitting with some pretty unpleasant feelings right now, but I’ve learned enough to know that they will pass as every emotion does and in hours or days, I will feel differently about the situation and be able to look at it objectively.
I’ve spent a lifetime getting into fights. Some justified, some not. The inner warrior in me has proved useful when I’ve had to take on the Local Education Authority or a neighbour threatening to compromise my property, however there are also times when it does not serve me well.
Warring takes up a lot of energy and it can also prove destructive. Once I am in that state, friendships can be lost, trust destroyed and reputations tarnished (mine usually!). Better to stand back, observe and figure out why I am like this.
It stems from the fiery relationship I had with my mother who also likes a good fight – woe betide anyone who ever says to her ‘I’ll see you in court.’ She is a force to behold when in the midst of a legal battle, or at least she was before she got dementia. Oddly enough, she’s on these new drugs which have brought that side of her to the fore. It’s strange dealing with it again.
So anyway, there’s a bit of anger burning in my belly all mixed up with feelings of hurt, betrayal, spite, indignation….you name it, it’s a rather unpleasant emotional stew.
I am going to leave it to simmer on the back burner today as I travel to the coast to see my dad and an exciting new client.
Besides, I don’t want to be too distracted as I have stuff to do. I have an open mic stand-up comedy slot booked next week and five minutes of material that must be honed and memorised. Gulp.
My heart knows the way