This miserable life – Day 296

 

This blog is terribly self-indulgent isn’t it? But what am I going to write about if not myself? I appear to be the only person in the country who is not banging on about Brexit all the time.

Anyway, back to me. I’ve been thinking about my moods lately. Since doing The Journey, I’d say I have been 50% miserable, 40% flat and 10% happy. Prior to this ‘work’ I would have put myself down for 20% meh, 60% happy and 20% middling. You don’t have to be a statistician to work out that the figures aren’t great

I am hoping that it’s a bit like starting anything new . Let’s use running as an example. When I started doing it 10-years-ago, I couldn’t keep going for 10 minutes without feeling as if my lungs were about to combust. I’ve since completed a whole marathon and can easily jog for an hour without the need for an oxygen mask. You see, I had to go through the pain in order to become a runner.

I only hope this is the case with the spiritual path I have stepped on. To be honest, I’m not sure if I can hack it, but alas, I’ve started so I can’t stop. Today by the way, is one of those miserable days.

I think I know why. I watched the recording of my stand-up last night and had two thoughts. 1) I am quite ugly and a bit fat. 2) That was shit.

Then this morning, at ballet, I was shit again. My brain was a fog, I couldn’t remember any of the steps and I kept wobbling.

So, I am gripped by self-loathing. It’s a familiar feeling – only a lot stronger than I am used to. Honestly, I feel like getting wasted on booze, sugar, class A drugs….something, anything. But I have got a really long to do list today with boring things on it like * Rental property accounts *Pay import VAT *Speak to advertising dept of health magazine. You see, I told you it was dull!

The irony is, this blog is about making a million, but since I’ve started feeling my emotions so intensely, I really haven’t been that productive. It is a struggle to get things done. My usual high energy levels are depleted. I’m like a broken down old banger sputtering along the spiritual road about to clap out any minute.

Anyway, so as not to leave you on a miserable note, take a look at this fabulous piece by the actress Ann Dowd on success later in life. I couldn’t agree with her more – but can I follow her advice? Can you?

Personal manifesto

I surrender.

One comment

  1. OOF. Looking at yourself on video or in photo … I feel your pain. I have an Instagram account and keep thinking I should post a selfie, but every time I turn the camera on myself I’m appalled and just can’t do it. Apparently selfies are only for the “beautiful people.”
    And yet, I don’t look too bad in the mirror most of the time. So maybe it’s the cameras that are to blame? Yeah. That’s it!

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