Well, there is little over a month left until the end of my £1,000,000 challenge and it’s game over. I have a couple of new clients starting with me in January, but nothing much is happening for the whole of December. I can either have a nervous breakdown and start busking in the streets, or simply accept this is the way it is. I guess I’d better choose the latter.
I’ve made enquiries about both freelance writing and PR work, but it seems I am about as employable as a mad fox. I’ve placed 11 pieces in the national press for clients in the past fortnight, so I should be riding high, not wondering where I left my tin cup.
The thing is, I’ve laboured really hard in a bid to make money and all I have done is make enough to exist – just. I’ve now reached a point where I would rather make no effort at all and go broke. In terms of satisfaction, it’s probably the better option. Jesus, even the fucking billionaire wanted me to work for free.
So, all that’s left to do is try and find a bit of that inner calm the spiritual folk keep banging on about. It’s proving elusive. The voice in my head will not shut up – the only thing louder than it has been the gong that was bashed half to death in yesterday’s class.
The shrill voice of judgement isn’t in a hurry to hush either. I am not bad at stopping it when it comes to criticising others, but preventing it from ripping me to shreds is another matter. It tells me I’m a failure and that’s okay, because I read somewhere that there is no success without failure…in fact, they’re really not that far apart at all.
I’m going to miss this blog and all you lovely readers, but in 2019, I plan to write one about my year long journey with a spiritual mentor. I’m also going to come out – not as in on the other bus, but I will be writing the new blog with my name to it. And a face, albeit an old face. It’s really very easy to let it all hang out when you call yourself ‘Badass’ but doing it out in the open is going to be another matter. Am I brave enough?
I am not the voice in my head.